Wonder by R.J.Palacio is arguably the most heartfelt and inspiring children’s book. It’s a story of Auggie Pullman, a young boy born with Treacher Collins syndrome. Through kindness and empathy, Auggie overcomes prejudice and becomes a symbol of courage in his community. In the 2017 movie adaptation, Jacob Tremblay plays the role of Auggie while Julia Roberts and Owen Wilson, his parents.

Auggie faces bullying and struggles to fit in and find friends. Auggie’s parents consistently recognize his fears and support him to thrive despite his health condition. While the parents prioritize Auggie’s wellbeing, his sister (Via) feels overlooked and faces loneliness. In protecting Auggie and acknowledging Via’s feelings, the parents teach empathy, compassion, and unconditional love. We can learn how they navigate between Auggie’s intensive care and providing emotional support to Via. These are the hardships parents have to cope with. You’ll find yourself in a roller-coaster of emotions, patience, and lessons about the value of unwavering family support.

In today’s fast-paced world, parenting feels like a full-time job. It’s undoubtedly a fulfilling responsibility but can lead to ‘parental burnout’ meaning physical and emotional exhaustion. Not only does caregiving overwhelm the parents, but children will also feel the anxiety affecting the overall family dynamics. The good news is that “burnout is not inevitable” and the strategies to stay productive while caring for your family are at your disposal. In this blog, I share some practical tips to help you transform stress into productivity and gain deeper family connection. In my previous two blogs I talked about spending quality time with family and children. This blog is about YOU and US, the parents.

“When we guard both our ambitions and our wellbeing, we teach our children that success can be gentle.”

What is Burnout?

In 1974, an American psychologist Herbert Freudenberger used the term ‘burnout’ to describe the severe emotional exhaustion of caregivers in high-pressure environments. This is a common term to assess performance and create incentives to avoid overwork among employees in organizations. The same concept is used to describe the pressure of balancing parental responsibilities and pursuing professional career in the modern day. We are taught that parenting is a rewarding task and parental burnout is often overlooked. However, in the process of perfect parenting, we tend to burn ourselves out not knowing the long-term effects on our health and psychological wellbeing.

Why Does Parental Burnout Happen?

Hazaras (an ethnic group from Afghanistan having migrated due to persecution and target killing) living abroad face intense survival and financial pressure due to working in low-wage or physically demanding jobs. They too are prone to parental burnout. The common reasons include lack of awareness about long-term effects of work overload, imbalance distribution of parental responsibilities and socio-cultural norms. Most of us don’t know that working on the weekends or extra hours has both physical and mental health risks. Hence, restlessness and sleep deprivation are common among male parents including Hazara men in Australia, New Zealand, USA and European countries.

Harvard Business School study 2023 shows that individuals who align success with values; such as, meaningful work, positive relationships and wellbeing report lower burnout and higher satisfaction. This is true to parenting role as well. Parenting is about building connection and positive relationship with children especially at their adolescent age. Parenting does not have breaks or offline hours unlike work/ job. And lack of recovery time leads to depression and emotional distance between parents and their children. Therefore, identify the initial sings of burnout and take the first steps towards taking control of your productivity metrics. Productivity isn’t about doing everything but about focusing energy on building resilience and managing energy with intention.     

            What Are Dangers of Parental Burnout?

In the age of social media, you may face intense pressure to strive for professional success while trying to remain successful parents. Videos of parents making perfect meals, amazing family vacations and polished version of family life cause unhealthy competition. Others take the pressure to ‘do it all’ thus becoming exhausted, emotionally volatile and some think of themselves ineffective parents. Burnout leads to more sick leave, mental fog and turn you into “just getting through the day” mode. Prolonged burnout reduces efficiency, creativity and problem-solving capacities in the long term.

Parents’ health, habits and priorities shape the personality of children. When we are calm to focus on the chores and our professional ambitions, we create a safe space. If we rush to chores, we transfer the anxiety to our children without even noticing it. One of the common reasons, the habit of doing things at the eleventh hour (last minute). For example, getting ready for work, or preparing children’ meal, bag etc for school/ appointments. Beside the emotional risks, burnout affects lifestyle especially eating habits/ diet. Irregular mealtimes, reliance on fast food and even skipping meals increase risks of chronic diseases.

“The way we carry our responsibilities teaches our children how to carry their own.”

What Are Burnout Solutions?

Every family has unique dynamics and challenges. There is no one solution to all the answers. It’s about everyday choices and habits to create a balance between parenting responsibilities and progressing in profession. Small and consistent steps lead to progress, and drive better outcomes. It’s a constant process of prioritizing, learning, and adjusting as you go. That’s the motivation we (parents) need every every day. The below tips and strategies will support you maintain high performance and achieve meaningful progress. These may not be perfect answers to your challenges. And they may sound ideal suggestions. However, I bet with the right choices, you can nurture a family, achieve your ambitions without sacrificing your wellbeing.

* Intentional Parenting Is the Answer: Being ambitious is not harmful – the lack of balance between work deadline and parental responsibilities can drain motivation and performance. We need to set boundaries in both professional commitment and caregiving roles. Being 24/7 present in children’s life does not translate to responsible parenting but being intentional does. In our case, Anam sometimes moves away to another part of the house where she can play on her own. Or she gives cues that she wishes to play with only one of us. We surely give her space and will remain spectators from a mile away.

Creating balance sounds easy theoretically but the process of setting prioritizing and taking practical decisions is difficult. For me, that meant moving to part-time work as Anam gets bad cold in winter. Her eating and sleeping are disrupted and she needs extra care. While Anam’s mum also needs emotional support. My presence may not make solve everything but helping with chores and caring for Anam mattes more. And Anam’s wellbeing is something I can’t compromise with despite temporary financial limitations. These are the kinds of touch choices parents face. Have you ever made important parental decisions you’ve been truly proud of?

* Prioritize Energy, Not Just Time: Everyone has 24 hours and high performers complete important and mundane tasks effectively without draining away energy. Morning is peak energy so complete major professional and household tasks in the morning. Keep the afternoon hours for rest and evening for family bonding time. If you work night shifts as well, you miss the most important parenting rituals: helping with homework, bedtime stories or other creative activities with the children. To make it easier for you:

• High Energy Windows = complex, creative and difficult tasks
• Low Energy Windows = mundane, repetitive chores and downtime   

* Rest Is a Strategy Not a Luxury: Highly productive people don’t do more. It’s about managing energy to drive quality results. Successful athletes and pop starts achieve excellence not by performing regularly but by taking recovery time to restore their craft. Parents also need recovery time and intentional breaks in the form of meditation, short walks, mindful breathing, stretching. Even few minutes of silence while switching off your gadgets helps gain clarity and focus. Your children need the better version of you.

One of our favourite morning rituals is Walk at Home. For us it is an exercise, but Anam watches for pure entertainment, lolz. It’s one of the best bonding moments of our little family as we feel relaxed yet energized for the whole day. What is your family family ritual or bonding activity?

“Do you ever find yourself showing up and smiling for your kids, even when your energy seems to have completely drained?”

* Micro Self-Care Habits for Parents: As parents, balancing work and parenting can sometimes feel overwhelming. That’s why we need to adopt micro self-care habits and not a big lifestyle change. When we practice these habits consistently, stress level reduces, and we gain control of our everyday decisions. For example:

• Keeping a gratitude journal, breathing exercises and gentle stretching during the day especially in the morning. For some people, listening to uplifting music or motivational speeches during chores or commuting improves our mood. Click on this LINK to find my favourite podcasts I follow to help clear my head.   
• Use the Pomodoro technique to complete your tasks. This involves 25 minutes of focused work than taking a 5-minute break to recharge. Repeat this process 4 times before taking a 15 – 30 minutes break. This process improves focus and combats burnout.
• Self-care does not have to be a holiday tour or time away from home but small calming rituals like journaling before bed, switching off social media or simple mindfulness practices improves resilience and prepare you for the next day.

* Your Values Shape Children’s Values: The best way to create better values for our children is to reflect at our values. Time management, daily habits, and our responses to problems are indicators of our values. When our children find us pulled into too many things, exhausted and having no selfcare activities, they believe it’s normal for all parents. They may adopt the same approach when they become parents one day.

* Enjoy the Parenting Journey: It sounds cliché or controversial for some as they find parenting overwhelming. Studies show parents who invest in quality time with their children report better quality of life. Parenting is beyond managing responsibilities. It’s about savouring the moments that support joy, connection and meaning. One of the practical ways is distributing tasks. Parenting is not a mum’s only job or dad’s responsibilities. I’ve seen dads feeding their children or putting them to sleep allowing mum to focus on other chores. In the same way, there are successful mothers who share financial responsibilities beside their partners. It’s about communication and understanding level of both parents. Changing the definition of parenting can transform the experience into a lifetime opportunity.  

“Children don’t remember the pace of our days; they remember the peace in our presence.”

You may find Auggie as the real hero of Wonder. So are his parents. They teach us the power of resilience and empathy that shape families even with extraordinary challenges. They taught Auggie and his sister that courage is not about giving up but facing the real-life challenges. Auggie’s parents not just protected their children but their own energy and wellbeing as parents. Burnout should not define your parenting journey, but a healthy and joyful family can. So dear parent, let’s join to take a deep beath and reclaim our energy as companions and help one another in this journey, parenthood.

Happy Father’s Day in Advance

Jawad Jahid